Dear Sarah,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.  There was the busy schedule of high school, college and professional football and then basketball games: all those teams praying that I choose them to win takes an enormous amount of research time and personal energy.  (A few months ago, a Viking’s game came down to something that Brett Favre said to the school bully back in Grade Four.)

Anyway, to the business at hand.

Word has surfaced once again that I was directly involved in your vice-presidential bid in 2008.  Early last year, someone said you thought it had been “God’s plan” to make you a candidate.  That reminded me (for I do remember all) that following the election, I suffered through an interview you did on Fox.  I meant to write you but, with football games and world peace, I was a tad busy.

Anyway, in that interview you were asked if you’d run for president in 2012.  You replied that it would depend on what you heard from Me.  (And let Me say right off the bat, before Fox uses this statement to make false claims that they are God’s station: I receive them all.  Every last TV and radio station in every language, twenty-four hours a day.  I don’t want to whine about the burden of omnipotence, but this constant blather is really taking a toll on My concentration.)

Anyway, to the business at hand.

First, let Me say this about whether I’ll be having a discussion with you about your career choices.  It’s true, occasionally in the history of your species – and let Me tell you, when I first saw your species, I said to the Wife, “That’s interesting.” I definitely did not say, “It is good.” –  anyway, where was I?  Right.  As to whether I’ll be talking to you, let me say this:  A few times in the whole history of your species I thought it would be a good idea to have a chat with a certain individual.  You call those people prophets.  Enough said.

Second, even though I’m not about to add you to that scant list, if you don’t mind, I kind of feel like offering you a word or two of advice.

To your question (to Me), whether you should run for president, My answer is simple:  Are you nuts!!!  Enough said on that.

Now, before you start calling Me sexist, I did check with the Wife who said, “Honey, that’s just You in Your infinite wisdom telling it like it is.”

One final thing while I’ve got you there.  This “end of days” business.  Do you really think that after all the work I’ve done – the Wife just gave me a playful nudge and one of Her looks.  Fine.  – after all the work that We’ve done to nurse this planet along, to create an amazing interplay of species beyond comprehension, to create brains that can imagine the cosmos, do you really think that We want to see it destroyed by your stupid behavior?

And do you really think that even if We wanted it destroyed, it would be because some of you thought your nation or your religion was better than the next one?  Or because you wanted to suck the planet dry of its resources?  Or because of all the companies out there that are making mega-bucks from the business of war?

Or, dammit, because your football team really should be chosen over the other?

Yours truly,

God

(transcribed by Michael Kaufman www.michaelkaufman.com)